It Is Well

Welcome back. I have clearly abandoned this blog for quite a while. Some updates: I have gone back to work after finding a successful treatment for my back (it wore off after 4 months and I had it redone just last week before I got into a horrible state again. Already feeling improvement and praying it lasts a bit longer this time around), and I have had so much going on mentally, physically, and emotionally.
First, the anniversary of losing my sweet Memaw was in February and was extremely difficult. Those of you who know me in real life know that her death affected me severely. She was such a strong influence on my life. She was both the strongest, most God- fearing woman I have every met, while also being the gentlest and most understanding person possible. She had a way of telling you like it was, while remaining totally tactful and non-judgmental. I never heard her speak an ill word of anyone, and she always gave the best advice. Because she lived about 2 hours away most of my life, I didn't see her as often as most of my cousins did, and once I got old enough to drive, I made a point of visiting her once a month usually. Of course, looking back now I wish that I had gone to see her even more than that, and that I had spent more time at her house than going other places during my visits to Greenville. I wish that I had called her every week, even though I have never been much of a phone person. I wish I had made an exception for her. I don't think she had any enemies. She was everyone's "Memaw," no matter their age, race, religion, cultural or financial background. Everyone who met her, called her Memaw. And she took them all beneath her wing to help them whenever they needed it. As her health declined over the past several years, I - being unemployed, single, & childless- was asked to stay with her some for an extended period of time to help keep an eye and ear out for her. I cherish those weeks now. It was a time where she and I just stuck around the house, watched TV and talked. We bonded over game shows. We joked and laughed. We discussed parts of her childhood that a younger version of myself had never thought to even ask about before. We discussed addicts, codependence, and my frustration with my parents not enforcing tough love with my brother during his drug use. Having had been in a position similar to theirs for many years, she told me, "Everyone knows what to do with a bucking mule except it's owner," and that even though as a sibling I knew where I stood, I could not possibly feel what they were feeling during those moments and that I needed to be more patient with them as they found their footing on the issue. Within the last 12 years of her life, she lost two of her children very unexpectedly. One from a car accident and another from cancer, less than a week after being diagnosed. She saw her other children face health crises. During all that time, I never saw her shed a tear. She was the rock of our family, and we all leaned on her during these times. I do know that it wore on her and I believe that in itself contributed to her declining health. I knew that at times, she would go into the bathroom to have her emotional moments and then come back out and continue being everyone else's support. I also know that she did mention to her children that she couldn't bear to lose another child. She had outlived all of her siblings and she was so tired. I know that it was her time to rest and reap the heavenly rewards that she had earned. But, of course, that selfish part of me wanted her to stay with us longer. Logically, I know that it would never be enough time, though. Her leaving would be heartbreak no matter the time, so I treasure the moments that we did have.

 

Memaw received her ultimate healing on February 19, 2015. I had the honor of singing at her funeral, a song that my mom had asked me, years beforehand, to sing when the time came, an old hymn called "It Is Well (With My Soul)." At one point when Memaw's health was seemingly declining quickly, I looked up the song and began preparing myself to sing it. In looking it up, I also came upon the story behind the song. Here was this man, who lost everything, faced financial hardships, and lost all of his children, yet he relinquished control of it all to God. He cried out in praise, "Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say 'It is well. It is well with my soul!'" Over the years, I (morbidly) sang that song when Memaw had a health scare, as a means to prepare myself for the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But then I began singing it whenever I faced a hard time in general. It was so calming, and it became my own way to cry out to God, just as Horatio Spafford did more than a century ago. This year on the anniversary of being without my sweet Memaw, I, once again, found myself singing this song. I decided that for her birthday a couple of weeks later, I would post a video on YouTube of myself singing this song in her honor.
But those plans changed on March 3rd. Some of you know I follow a 80s style rock band called The Velcro Pygmies, and have been doing so for several years. On March 3rd, I learned the news that the band's bassist, Jacob Sanders, and his brother Jeremiah, had gone missing while fishing on the Tennessee River the day before. Search efforts were extensive and their bodies were recovered a couple of weeks later. During this time, I found myself reflecting on that old hymn once again. I would get off work at night, check Facebook for updates on the search, and sing the song on the drive home, hand raised to God and crying my eyes out. I cannot begin to imagine the hurt that their close friends, coworkers, families, and especially parents must have been facing at that time, but I knew that peace and comfort that could come from prayer and praising God through the storms and trials, because, as cliché as it may be, everything truly does happen for a reason. Through this tragedy I have seen so many people band together for the cause of helping support each other, finding the boys, and fundraising to help their families with expenses. Complete strangers who had never even heard of the band, learned about the community among fans and joined in to help, too.
Things have begun to calm down now. As I mentioned before, I had another flare up with my back and had a repeat treatment last week and I can already tell a difference, and am getting stronger day by day. Eventually, I will honor my Memaw, as well as Jacob & Jeremiah, by getting that video up on YouTube, but in the meantime, it remains my mantra in life as it has been for years.

"When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot
Thou hast taught me to say
It is well
It is well with my soul"

Love- Leigh

Finding Christmas

Last weekend, I was in the 20 items or fewer line at Wal-Mart, buying Christmas ornaments. The girl in front of me was a young mom. Her baby was in the buggy crying, tired. The mother looked exhausted, herself, with dark circles under her eyes. I began pulling items out of my cart and, regrettably, didn't realize what was going on ahead of me until it was too late. The girl paid and walked away with 2 bags of groceries, telling the cashier that she was sorry, and leaving a third bag behind. The cashier, an older lady, shook her head, rolled her eyes, and said to me, "Why would she even come in the store if she can't afford the groceries?" I held my tongue because I know that I have a tendency to take things a little too far, but my blood was boiling. I wish I had said something. I wish I had known before the girl walked away, and I would have bought the fish sticks and other items in that bag for her and her child. I am not exactly rolling in dough lately but I know that God would not let me go under after helping someone in need.
You see, in December of last year, I was in a similar position. No, I am not a mother, so my situation is a bit different, but the only money I was making was from babysitting. I wasn't getting substitute teaching calls as frequently as I had during the previous semester and I was sinking fast. My car was broken down, I was having back trouble and had no insurance to cover my medical needs. Almost everything I made went to bills, gas for the vehicles I had to borrow to make it to and from work, and medical appointments and meds. I had had to finally let go of my pride and apply for food stamps a couple of months earlier and felt absolutely mortified every time I pulled out that EBT card in public. Just before Christmas I went to get groceries. My town's grocery store is very limited, so I made a 40 minute drive to my nearest Publix. I got nearly a month's worth of groceries (obviously the more perishable items would need to be purchased again sooner than others). The cashier rang it all up and the total was $100 +. Thinking my EBT card had been refilled a couple days before this shopping trip, I swiped my card.  The cashier told me that that only took care of a few dollars of it and asked if I had another form of payment. Being the week before Christmas, I knew I didn't have enough in checking to cover it. Embarrassed, I told her that the card was supposed to have just been refilled and I needed to call and find out what was going on. Due to it being the holidays, there was a long line behind me. Without hesitation, the gentleman behind me reached up and swiped his American Express, telling me, "I've got it. Merry Christmas." I told him he didn't have to do that, that I would get it worked out, but he just said, "I know I don't have to, I want to." I felt ashamed, yet I was so grateful that there was someone so selfless as to pay for $100 of groceries for a total stranger.  I thanked him, and told him, "God bless you. Merry Christmas." I made a promise to myself to pay it forward. I feel like last weekend was my chance and I failed. I had these gift cards that I had cashed in my reward points in for at work that I could have used to help. But I did learn something. I learned keep an eye out for these situations. That man's actions exemplified the Christmas spirit, and the spirit we should carry year round for our neighbors.  Sometimes, the situation presents itself clearly, and sometimes we have to look for them. 

So this Christmas season, and in the upcoming year, I encourage and challenge you to do the same. Look for the need around you and help in whatever way you can, whether that be on a large or a small scale. And while you're at it, look for the good in the world and give the recognition deserved. It's so easily overlooked and overshadowed these days. God Bless.

Love, Leigh

Welcome To My Life

I have pondered over this post for several days, wondering how much is “too much” to share. Then yesterday morning I read this and was both moved and inspired. Of course there are a few things that are too personal to share at this time, but as a whole, my past has been a journey that has led me to being the person I am today. My “scars are symbols of my strength.”

I was born into a typical Bible Belt family in a very small town, just south of the Florida/Alabama line. Both of my parents are conservative Christians that came from relatively large families, themselves. The baby of three children, I was also the only girl, so I was babied and spoiled a bit, a princess in our home. We were brought up in church and were always surrounded by music. Music was a huge influence in my life. I began singing public when I was only about 3 years old, starting at our home church and moving on to other churches in the community and small festivals. At a very young age, I would say that I wanted to be a singer when I grew up. It’s fair to say that music was one of first things that I truly loved, and during everything I’ve gone through in life, good and bad, music has been a constant. Our family didn’t have a lot of money but we didn’t care. God provided. We were blessed and we didn’t need for anything.

I began Kindergarten in a small, K-12 school with a population of around 400. The first couple of years I fit in well. I had friends, I was ahead of my grade level in my school work. The only downfall was that, although no one in my class seemed to notice, I was a bit chubbier than my peers, and the older kids picked on me. Being the shy kid that I was, I was an easy target. As I got older this continued and my classmates joined in as they noticed that my size was different than the norm of our age group.

 

By middle school, I was being constantly bullied, whether for my weight or my clothes or shoes, or whatever. I felt very awkward and isolated as an everyday occurrence. Outside of music class, I didn’t feel like I belonged with people I had always been friends with, or any group for that matter. I began struggling with schoolwork and I clearly fell short in sports, unlike the girls I had always hung out with in elementary school. I did cheer, but had there been enough people sign up to require tryouts, I certainly would not have made the cut as I was not athletic in the least. It did help my self-esteem a little bit to finally feel like I belonged to something. Unfortunately, bullies also attend basketball games. I remember, vividly, being taunted by a couple of students in the bleachers on more than on occasion.

It was around this time that I believe my path into depression began… and I medicated with food. Whether I was sad or lonely, or if I had a good day and felt like celebrating, food was always there. Food was my comfort. Food was my drug. And food became my addiction. It quickly became an endless cycle because food was also my enemy. The more I ate, the more weight I gained, and the more depressed I would become… leading me to eat more.

In eighth grade, I moved to a new school. This time it was a middle school that, in only 3 grade levels, had more students than my previous school. I mostly kept to myself. I had a few friends but wasn’t especially close to anyone and still didn’t quite feel like I fit in. During the second semester of eighth grade, I began having an extreme amount of pain and I wasn’t quite sure why. It wasn’t until 10^th grade that I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. I was told that there was a high probability that I would need a full hysterectomy by age 25, so I would need to have children early. Because there was also a risk of fertility issues in my future, I was referred to a doctor who would be able to assist with that when the time came. I was crushed. I thought I had things so planned out. I had always thought I would be a mom someday, but children did not fit into the plan that early in life. After several more months of pain, surgery, and treatments/ side effects from said treatments, I had come to terms with the fact that I would most likely have to adopt. All of these things had led to me being even more reclusive than before. I begged my doctor to go ahead and do the hysterectomy so that I wouldn’t be in constant agony. Because of my age and the fact that I had not have children yet, I was refused. I continued trying different treatments and suffered different horrible side effects from each one. I spiraled further into depression. I gained more weight. During a 3 month span of a certain medication, I went up several bra cup sizes. I was so ashamed and I wore baggy clothes and jackets (no matter the weather) to cover up. By the summer before senior year, I had had to resort to a breast reduction. In a wicked twist of fate, my recovery hit some major complications. It took 6 months to heal to a point where I could even begin to feel comfortable in my own skin. Like everyone else I knew, I focused on what I was going to do after school. Due to the health issues that I had throughout high school, I had was absent a lot and my grades suffered. I worked extremely hard to try to reach a GPA that would qualify me for a scholarship, but sadly fell short. I visited my dream college and made plans to attend online classes for my basics, while working part time, then to transfer to Belmont University in Nashville, TN, to get my degree in Music Business & Management.

Turns out, I wasn’t a big fan of college. (HA!) I was so burnt out on school that I neglected to commit to my classes. I decided to try cosmetology school instead, and again decided that wasn’t the path for me. Because I had spent my teenage years hiding, I experienced my “teenage rebellion” phase when I was 21. But I still didn’t feel like I fit in with anyone. I invited several coworkers to celebrate my birthday at karaoke night, my newfound outlet. Only one showed up. It felt like middle school all over again. I began drinking a bit too much, and got myself into situations that I never would have before. On top of depression, I began having panic attacks when things got tough. I lost jobs due to my health issues. I felt out of control, like I had no say in my life anymore. Still living with my parents while most people my age were graduating from college, I decided to make a list of things I wanted to accomplish and gave myself a timeline. But still, my endometriosis and depression held me back.  Finally, at age 25, I convinced my doctor to grant my wish for a hysterectomy. I started going back to church. I worked as the nursery director at the church. Several months later, I moved with my family, back to my hometown area. Months after that, I was essentially homeless, sleeping on friends’ couches and in their guest rooms until I could get a place of my own. But I learned the power of prayer was real. The week after I left home, I got a 2^nd job at a fast food restaurant, and a 3^rd as a substitute teacher. Soon, I was substituting enough that I was able to drop the fast food job. By spring break, I was also babysitting, housesitting, and pet sitting in my free time, and hoarding the money to put toward a place of my own. I moved into my first apartment that summer. And, the following winter, I finally got back the job I had been most disappointed to lose. I’m still at that job (although currently out dealing with recently diagnosed herniated discs in my lower back) and things are finally beginning to feel on track. I’m ready to take the steps necessary to finally to be a grown up. I have made some amazing friends. I plan to start school soon to be a teacher, and save to move to my dream city, Nashville. I’m still interested in music but, right now, I’m not really sure in what respect. Whether or not I pursue music in the future, Nashville is still where I want to be.

There have been some definite curves thrown at me this year, but I feel like I am learning to cope with them. I rarely have panic attacks anymore. I do still struggle with depression but not nearly as badly as before. I feel that I am healing now. I get along with my family better than I have in years. Despite hitting snags, my life is finally coming together. I look forward to my future and my goals are in sight. And I hope you all will come along for the ride.

Love, Leigh

Testing 1, 2, 3...

No doubt, I have been sheltered. Perhaps a bit coddled. I thought it would be easy to break away as an adult whenever I had the money (certainly not a moment before) and I'd never look back. It was meticulously planned. I'd leave the nest of my own volition and fly free. Little did I know...
Years ago, when I had an idea for a blog, it was to be a way to keep track of a "To-Do List" of things I wanted to accomplish before the age of 30.  Now, at 28, I have once again procrastinated my time away. Don't get me wrong, I have definitely made strides over the past few years; I just haven't accomplished anything that was on that list. Life has taken me in a different direction. It's become a journey of learning lessons, rather than just ticking off an itinerary. Of course, I still have the dreams from the original draft, but I have learned that you can't predict life. There are the typical up and downs, and round-and-rounds, and definitely a few surprise loop-de-loops. Some are fun, some scary, some downright tragic. On this quest, I have learned that sometimes independence can be lonely.
So now I have scrapped my original blog idea in favor of a sounding board, a creative outlet, a place to cry and also to laugh. I will be as open as I feel to allow myself to friends, family, and also to strangers who may visit this blog. And I will be unapologetic for days when I lack a filter. That is, after all, who I am. One must be willing to be honest, if one intends to grow as a person. Right?
Here goes...