First, the anniversary of losing my sweet Memaw was in February and was extremely difficult. Those of you who know me in real life know that her death affected me severely. She was such a strong influence on my life. She was both the strongest, most God- fearing woman I have every met, while also being the gentlest and most understanding person possible. She had a way of telling you like it was, while remaining totally tactful and non-judgmental. I never heard her speak an ill word of anyone, and she always gave the best advice. Because she lived about 2 hours away most of my life, I didn't see her as often as most of my cousins did, and once I got old enough to drive, I made a point of visiting her once a month usually. Of course, looking back now I wish that I had gone to see her even more than that, and that I had spent more time at her house than going other places during my visits to Greenville. I wish that I had called her every week, even though I have never been much of a phone person. I wish I had made an exception for her. I don't think she had any enemies. She was everyone's "Memaw," no matter their age, race, religion, cultural or financial background. Everyone who met her, called her Memaw. And she took them all beneath her wing to help them whenever they needed it. As her health declined over the past several years, I - being unemployed, single, & childless- was asked to stay with her some for an extended period of time to help keep an eye and ear out for her. I cherish those weeks now. It was a time where she and I just stuck around the house, watched TV and talked. We bonded over game shows. We joked and laughed. We discussed parts of her childhood that a younger version of myself had never thought to even ask about before. We discussed addicts, codependence, and my frustration with my parents not enforcing tough love with my brother during his drug use. Having had been in a position similar to theirs for many years, she told me, "Everyone knows what to do with a bucking mule except it's owner," and that even though as a sibling I knew where I stood, I could not possibly feel what they were feeling during those moments and that I needed to be more patient with them as they found their footing on the issue. Within the last 12 years of her life, she lost two of her children very unexpectedly. One from a car accident and another from cancer, less than a week after being diagnosed. She saw her other children face health crises. During all that time, I never saw her shed a tear. She was the rock of our family, and we all leaned on her during these times. I do know that it wore on her and I believe that in itself contributed to her declining health. I knew that at times, she would go into the bathroom to have her emotional moments and then come back out and continue being everyone else's support. I also know that she did mention to her children that she couldn't bear to lose another child. She had outlived all of her siblings and she was so tired. I know that it was her time to rest and reap the heavenly rewards that she had earned. But, of course, that selfish part of me wanted her to stay with us longer. Logically, I know that it would never be enough time, though. Her leaving would be heartbreak no matter the time, so I treasure the moments that we did have.
Memaw received her ultimate healing on February 19, 2015. I had the honor of singing at her funeral, a song that my mom had asked me, years beforehand, to sing when the time came, an old hymn called "It Is Well (With My Soul)." At one point when Memaw's health was seemingly declining quickly, I looked up the song and began preparing myself to sing it. In looking it up, I also came upon the story behind the song. Here was this man, who lost everything, faced financial hardships, and lost all of his children, yet he relinquished control of it all to God. He cried out in praise, "Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say 'It is well. It is well with my soul!'" Over the years, I (morbidly) sang that song when Memaw had a health scare, as a means to prepare myself for the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But then I began singing it whenever I faced a hard time in general. It was so calming, and it became my own way to cry out to God, just as Horatio Spafford did more than a century ago. This year on the anniversary of being without my sweet Memaw, I, once again, found myself singing this song. I decided that for her birthday a couple of weeks later, I would post a video on YouTube of myself singing this song in her honor.
But those plans changed on March 3rd. Some of you know I follow a 80s style rock band called The Velcro Pygmies, and have been doing so for several years. On March 3rd, I learned the news that the band's bassist, Jacob Sanders, and his brother Jeremiah, had gone missing while fishing on the Tennessee River the day before. Search efforts were extensive and their bodies were recovered a couple of weeks later. During this time, I found myself reflecting on that old hymn once again. I would get off work at night, check Facebook for updates on the search, and sing the song on the drive home, hand raised to God and crying my eyes out. I cannot begin to imagine the hurt that their close friends, coworkers, families, and especially parents must have been facing at that time, but I knew that peace and comfort that could come from prayer and praising God through the storms and trials, because, as cliché as it may be, everything truly does happen for a reason. Through this tragedy I have seen so many people band together for the cause of helping support each other, finding the boys, and fundraising to help their families with expenses. Complete strangers who had never even heard of the band, learned about the community among fans and joined in to help, too.
Things have begun to calm down now. As I mentioned before, I had another flare up with my back and had a repeat treatment last week and I can already tell a difference, and am getting stronger day by day. Eventually, I will honor my Memaw, as well as Jacob & Jeremiah, by getting that video up on YouTube, but in the meantime, it remains my mantra in life as it has been for years.
"When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot
Thou hast taught me to say
It is well
It is well with my soul"
Love- Leigh
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